Although you may be unable to shake off the painful memories of losing significant amounts of money, you can swear with a stack of Bibles that you will never again be foolish enough not to shoot with the One-Armed Bandit. With a bit of luck, you might be able to resist the temptation of the slot machine for a few more weeks or even a couple of months. You know full well that you will be back for a rematch soon. It’s not possible to let the Bandit win easily. It’s impossible.

It is a machine with wires and microchips. But, on the other hand, you are a living entity capable of critical thinking and self-reflection. If humanity is to survive the inevitable global war against machines, it’s essential that we can at least beat the slots. This historical perspective will help you see that the matter is not a choice but an obligation to get back on your horse as soon as you can.

It is good to read some information before you embark on your noble mission to defend humanity.

It may surprise you that slot machines are known in different countries. It is, for example, called a fruit machine in the United Kingdom (no jokes about British drag queens, please). The slot is also known in Australia as a “poker machine,” which is more confusing. But what can you expect of a culture that names outdoor grills after a girl’s favorite toy? It’s easy to see why.

American-style slot machines, however, are coin-operated. They have three to five reels that spin when the lever is pulled. A currency detector is included in the apparatus to validate any money that has been inserted. The device pays out based on the patterns of symbols that are visible when the reels stop.

Okay, enough with the description. Let’s move on to the tips we promised a few paragraphs back.

Tip #1

Get to know the payout schedule for each slot machine. There will be radically different payouts for two identical slot machines. This is important, people.

Tip #2

It will help if you look for slot machines that offer 96-98% paybacks. It would be best if you always played at casinos with high-paying banks or carousels.

Tip #3

If you are a regular gambler, join the casino players club. Casinos offer rewards for their time and money. You may be eligible for comps such as meals or discounted hotel rooms.

Tip #4

This should not be difficult. However, only play the slots machines you can afford to play and only gamble with money you can lose. Seriously.

Tip #5

If you are losing, don’t get angry and walk away. Slot machines are supposed to be a fun pastime and not cause frustration. If it isn’t fun anymore, get a drink or some fresh air.